It’s Chinese New Year today. It’s also the same day Steven was supposed to be born. One of the names on our list was Everett because today marks the day of the pig, and Everett means “brave boar.”
I had a really crazy morning. At 3am, I woke up with a really sharp pain in my stomach. I tried drinking water, walking around, going to the bathroom, but the pain wouldn’t go away. Eventually, Will woke up to my moaning and groaning. We decided to head to the ER where there was a 4 hour wait. After 2 hours, the sharp pains subsided, although my stomach still felt sore. I was exhausted, though, and just wanted to go home and back to bed. So we left.
I don’t get pains or sickness that easily, so it was scary to have experienced that. It took me a while to think of a time I’ve felt pain similar to this morning, and then it hit me, I have: the day I gave birth to Steven. I had to be induced and I asked the nurses how I’ll know when it’s time to deliver. They told me that it would feel like menstrual cramps, but that wasn’t informative because I don’t get those. Another nurse told me it would feel like I had to poop myself. Lo and behold, I ended up waking up in the middle of the night with weird stomach pains and feeling like I had to poop myself.
Anyway, it just feels really weird that, of all days, all that happened today. It seems far fetched, but part of me wonders if that means I would have given birth to Steven at 3am today if his heart continued beating and made it to term. I told my therapist about it; her background is in biopsych, and she thinks that it’s highly possible I’m having phantom contractions. I’m not sure if I really believe that but it’s wild to think about.
Today is a sad day, but Will and I are going to celebrate it. We got a little cake and some candles. My grandma usually makes 12 dishes to celebrate the lunar new year, but I don’t think I can do such a dinner justice. Also, there is absolutely no reason to make 12 dishes for just two people. Instead, I’m just making homemade dumplings and will pray for a year that is prosperous in joy and peace.